My guest this week is John Howard. John is an internationally-recognized therapist, wellness expert, and educator who uses the latest science to help couples have stronger relationships. He is the host of The John Howard Show, a wellness podcast, and the creator of the Ready Set Love® series of neuroscience-based online programs for couples.
Wow… John has got to be on my top 10 list of favorite humans.
In this episode, we share our own stories and I get more vulnerable than usual– and that is telling of how supportive John is as a friend.
In the beginning, John was raised by his Grandma and was quite lonely and even neglected throughout his childhood. When he was 9 years old, His Grandma died and he dealt with great grief because his family didn’t find it appropriate to talk about the death— let alone any other feelings involved.
He suddenly realized he had lots of healing to do.
Throughout his life, John has devoted his time to discovering the depths of healthy, whole relationships. This led him to realize the difference of Good Relationships and Good Intentions. This goes as follows…
Good relationship skills vs good intentions = two VERY different things!
They’re different skill sets. And this is where John can help you out 🙂
So— to better understand all of this, I laid it ALL out on the table… I just dealt with a recent breakup and John so graciously offered his sound and professional advice.
This led us to talk about attachment styles– and let’s be real, we all could benefit from understanding this 😉
Attachment styles start in our nervous system. And this is heavily determined on our childhood upbringing. Now, the problem is that a lot of our relationship behaviors are automatic because they’re essentially “wired in” pretty early (0-2 years old!). This means that we each have a style that we develop.
What’s your attachment style?
When it comes to dating, in our 20’s, there’s a larger Attachment Style pool of options. However, as we get older — it becomes a smaller pond— and this pond typically hosts those with Avoidant Attachment Style.
I asked John: If somebody is an Avoidant but desires a secure relationship, is that even possible?
John’s Tips:
- Do not tamper yourself down! Do not minimize your power.
- Make sure your friend relationships and other relationships are as healthy as possible
- Don’t tolerate BS
- Set proper boundaries
- Hold people accountable for treating you well
- Expect kindness and care
- Place yourself in the healthiest of environments & communities
- Vet people for emotional intelligence
- Share your feelings and see how people deal with that — scan for EQ!
- Be with someone who is equally prepared to grow
John’s Quotes:
“Your power and your brilliance is what contributes to your happiness.” — John H.
“Connection matters a whole lot more than communication to creating a strong relationship. Connection is a sense of safety and security with someone. The ability to relax into their presence and to trust that they have your back.” – John H.
“Within a secure relationship, there’s more celebration and acceptance of the individual than there is in dysfunctional relationships where people are too independent.” – John H.
